LET ME SAY IT ONCE AGAIN... I DO


There are telltale signs of what he's up to as I round the corner to where my parking space is. If I see the tail end of his car, that tells me that he's gone to ride his bike to work or he might still be at home and there'd be time for me to catch a kiss goodbye as we switch sides of the front door. If I don't see his car, then he has driven to work, which means that he has an early meeting and there'd be no chance that I'd still catch him at home. If the car is there and the top lock of the front door is engaged, then he's definitely still at home, a fact that he would confirm by opening the door for me the rest of the way, screaming 'Elloooo!' to my face.

Right now, I'm not seeing his car, so I gather he had an early start to his day. A little sadly, I ease my key into the lock, knowing I'd be stepping into an empty house again.

I'm not fighting it anymore. It's one of the many things I have come to accept about our life in southern California, something that was perhaps signified with the purchase of a second car. Of course, he has places to go and things to do, stuff that cannot always be done around my schedule. It was as plain as the nose on my face that I would have to learn to chauffeur myself around. So yeah, he was going to go his way, and I, mine. That's how they do it here.

There have been occasions when we didn't see each other for 2 or 3 days in a row, usually when bosses from out of state are in town for whatever. He would make it a point, always, to come home in time to see me off to work so at least we'd have 10 or 15 minutes bridging the ending of his day and the starting of mine. But like I said, there are times when he's unable to do that. It sure feels funky, knowing we were both in town but the best we could do is keep in touch through phone calls. We sustained our sense of well-being with the knowledge that we were where we expected each other to be at any given time of the day, doing what we knew we were supposed to be doing. Anything that didn't fall within those paradigms set me out of whack. That was too much 'supposing' for me and could I get any more strung up? If there was one thing at all that would save the day, it's probably knowing that any situation that came to anything like this is, and would always be, temporary. All we had to do was bear it out.

One thing nice about an empty house? I could kick my shoes off and let them land on wherever they please and nobody could care less. Like right now, I was just too tired to care. I can go look for them again later when I dress for work. I drag my bag up the stairs, shoulders hunched forward, head tilted back to offer my face to whatever sunshine was filtering in through the cathedral ceiling. I was thinking, maybe I'd go check on my emails before I lose consciousness and like a mirage in the desert, I see his computer on his table.

Wait a minute. The car's gone, so he's gone to work, but he can't work without his computer. He couldn't just leave it behind. What'll he do without it? So if his computer is here, and his car isn't... where the hell is he?

Alarmed and suddenly awake, I take the steps 2 at a time rushing down to get to the phone, forgetting there was a cordless in the room I just left. Forcing my fingers to think straight, I dialed his office number and got the answering machine. This is so not good. I tried his cell phone and it rang once, then went dead on me. Don't. Do. This. To. Me. I tried again and got a busy signal. Oh, for crying out loud! I tried again, slower this time, breathing in and out.

Hello mylab?

Asaan ka?

May binibili lang ako sa Ralph's.

Ano?

Breakfast. Ipagluluto kita.

Hindi ka papasok?

We'll see. Baka mamayang hapon.

I replaced the receiver smiling and thinking, 'Hmm... good answer.'

Now fully awake, I attend to my emails as I wait for him. In a few minutes, I heard him announce himself in, turn on the radio and get busy in the kitchen... chopping, stirring, frying. In a few more minutes, I was getting a whiff of something really, really wonderful and my guts started growling.

He cooked me breakfast... the garden fresh omelette I had the other week at IHOP, keeping in mind that I was trying to be good in adapting to a fish and vegetable diet and which I've been successfully adhering to for several weeks now.

The bark was every bit as good as the bite. It was wonderful indeed. And amazingly so, since he has never cooked an omelette before. I have to concede that he's turning into a better cook than I was if only on account of the omelette, which I have yet to serve whole, a feat he has achieved on first attempt. No sore losers on this one though. I am gladly relinquishing the kitchen over to him.

And then he remembers that I was coming on board again that night and orders me to bed.

Come with me.

Later. Ililigpit ko lang ito.

Hindi ka na papasok?

Hindi na siguro.

I climbed to bed and did my best to fall asleep, stuffed tummy and all. I thought maybe, reading Neil Gaiman's 'Anansi Boys' would help but it was stirring up my imagination too much for that so I had to put it down and jam a pillow on my face instead. Later on, I felt him ease himself on the bed beside me and gather me in his arms. I felt myself drift off, as he patted me on the back, as one does to put a baby to sleep.

It would probably be too much for me to mention that I woke up to yet another meal he whipped up to start me off on yet another night in the grind. And it would probably be much, too much, to mention that he drove me to work that night too. But alas, he did.

I wasn't sure it would come to anything like this when I married him. I didn't even have any of those gut-feeling stuff I've heard girls talk about in response to the question, 'How did you know it was him?' I just did it without knowing. So okay, if I have to come up with something, let me just say that all I knew is that I wanted him... loved him enough to want him, wanted him enough to love him.

And if I had a chance to do it again, I will still say, 'I do.'