A STEP BACK TO SELF

It hasn't been like this for me all the time. I haven't been on a consistent climb up the career ladder. My work history in the Philippines went from ho-hum to great and back to middling. Consequently, my personal finances have mostly been close to non-existent.

But to be really honest, I have always felt that I've had so much to be thankful for in my life, in spite of. I went places, tasted things, met people, experienced much of what the rest could only dream of. Of course I have always been on the receiving end. Some people would often remark on how lucky I was to have the people I had in my life who afforded me these things. Sometimes I'd tell myself privately, 'they're lucky to have me too.' 

Honestly again, there have been times when I have wondered how it was to be able to say, 'I got this one.' or 'This one's on me.' That didn't take away from how much I enjoyed what came my way. I was just happy to be tagging along. And the thing is, because I had nothing, I did not fear anything. I was left blissfully ignorant of the worries that came with those who had anything at all to lose. I did not hanker for the biggest, the best, the latest. I was not victim to what a niece called 'self-inflicted bondage' on account of things that I would have crowded my life with, which in turn, I would have had to struggle to keep up with.

Things are different now. I am no longer blissfully ignorant. This is the part of, 'I got this one.' that nobody told me about. I have learned a few survival tricks like the one that's called 'hang tough,' or one that says 'grim and bear,' and another called 'suffer.' But then through all of it there are some things that grab at you like the most important rudiments that you would value the most when push comes to shove... love, family, relationships, peace of mind, God. One just can't afford to mess up with choices engaging these.

This past weekend involved a lot of fun, time with friends, tasting, wanting, taking and paying. I mean, it's ok. We've worked hard the whole year. We deserve a little. And I guess there are a whole lot of other things we could tell ourselves to convince ourselves that it was ok. We just needed to tune in less to news channels so that reality checks do not cross our pleasure path. Or keep due dates as far back in our minds as we can so it doesn't mar the moment and we don't hand over our plastic cards with trembling hands.

Last night, we were at Barnes & Noble. I had $40 in my purse and the first thing I picked up was a lap desk. Then I picked up a book and I said I was done. But somehow, something wasn't right and I asked Papa, 'What do I need a lap desk for? I mean, I've always wanted one but do I really need it?'

Papa watched as I put it back. And I went home feeling one chain lighter, one step closer to self.

Marble # 1768.